Read Bill the Vampire by Rick Gualtieri Online

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There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them. Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking hThere are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them. Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking hot. Bill never stood a chance. Before he knew what was happening Sally had lead him to his death, and that was only the beginning of his troubles. Now Bill awakes to find himself an undead predator of the night. The only problem is he’s still at the bottom of the food chain. He’s in way over his head, surrounded by creatures more dangerous, better looking, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst of all is the dreaded Night Razor, a master vampire who just can’t stand him. He gives Bill a 90-day deadline to either prove himself or meet a more permanent kind of death, and the deck is definitely stacked against him.But Bill isn’t exactly average. A vampire like him hasn’t been seen in over five centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies to help him out, and an attitude problem that makes him just too damn obnoxious to quit. He may just pull it off... if he doesn't get his teeth kicked in first.Bill the Vampire is an 80,000 word horror comedy adventure by Rick Gualtieri....

Title : Bill the Vampire
Author :
Rating :
ISBN : 11927282
Format Type : Kindle Edition
Number of Pages : 292 Pages
Status : Available For Download
Last checked : 21 Minutes ago!

Bill the Vampire Reviews

  • JK
    2019-03-28 15:16

    If you are a jackass and want to read about pussy-this and pussy-that, go ahead and read this. If misogyny isn't what you want to read about, don't read this. It's as simple as that. The description of this book, and cover, makes it seem like you'll be reading about some dorky vampire, but that isn't the case at all. Bill is revolting.And if that's not bad enough, after preaching every other sentence about how a woman is not important or worthy if she's ugly, well, he then goes on to justify screwing a twelve year old.

  • Mr. Matt
    2019-04-07 16:27

    Bill The Vampire is Dinner for Schmucks meets True Blood. Bill Ryder is a nice, quiet guy. He keeps to himself. By day he is a programmer in a NYC game company. By night he plays online games and the occasional session of Dungeons & Dragons. He's a bit socially awkward and a few pounds overweight. So when the beautiful, vivacious super-model-type starts chatting him up on the subway he thinks that he has won the lottery. Sally invites him to a party. It seems to good to be true. It was.The party is some twisted version of Dinner for Schmucks that the Manhattan Coven of vampires plays to amuse themselves. Who can bring the nerdiest, most unappealing person to their party before, at the end of the night, they serve as dinner for the vampires. Somehow Bill survives the night, but now he too is one of the undead. Even as a vampire he still doesn't fit in with everyone else. He's still overweight, socially awkward and, oh yeah, the head of his coven can't stand the sight of him.I won't give away more. This book was a blast to read. It was funny, engaging and irreverent. For example, Bill sticks out like a sore thumb. He finally musters up the courage to ask Sally, who was set with the task of training him on the ways of the vampire, when he will ... um ... change. All of the vampires he knows are basically super-models. He assumes that there some transformation that he will undergo after some time. And there's more.Bill is also human. After a few days in his new life, he gets some time on his own. So what does he do? Does he start a reign of terror in the dark underbelly of NYC? Nope. In fact, the one time he tries to prey on someone he kind of gets his ass kicked by a human who happens to be built like a truck. Much safer is to spend the night gaming with his online buddies. And becoming a vampire doesn't make him a ladies man either. Bill is as tongue tied when it comes to the fairer sex as he ever was. Awesome.Clearly, I enjoyed the book. (Part of it is expectations. It was free, so mine were low.) So why only four stars? Well, I had a couple of problems with the story. First are his roommates. I liked them, but they took to his transformation just a tad to quickly. No amount of saturation in nerd culture of online gaming and horror movies is going to make anyone that easy with the living dead. Next, the book's humor while amusing also gets kind of old. I wish the author had actually ramped it back a notch. Oh well.Four stars out of five. A nice, surprising book. Already half way through the second book in the series.

  • Thomas Strömquist
    2019-04-16 21:06

    This was readable, but way too long. Revenge of the Nerds meets Return of the Living Dead (the author suggested other horror/comedies, but I don't agree. Besides, I like RotLD).College/nerd humor complete with all the homophobia and sex obsession and quite an awful ending. Despite some Seinfeld-humor type grunts (rather than laughs) and a few pop culture reference hits (that I liked), consider my rating a rounded-up one...

  • Elspeth
    2019-04-07 18:24

    This is a perfect book to read when you have a book hangover, or the last book you read was so terrible you need a brain scrub.It was full of witty banter garnished with sarcasm, a lot of it pointed at vampire cliches.

  • Tammy
    2019-04-04 23:11

    I would love to say something extremely witty in my opening line for my review of Bill The Vampire. After all, it's been since June since I have posted a review and Rick Gualtieri has waited an unforgivable amount of time for it. I read Bill The Vampire months ago and i'm still freaking giggling about it. I don't giggle much. Laugh, well yah. A good deep giggle? Not too often, hence, I treasure anyone or thing that causes them. Bill has been added to my favorite list and belongs there. Even though life circumstances kept me from writing, I kept Rick's book in the forefront of my mind as the first review I would write when it was possible.Bill is a geek, as you can surmise from the book cover and summary to follow. Awkward, self-deprecating, and goofy. I connected. I have a huge crush on geeks of all types. There is no truer and more exciting group of people you will ever encounter. They are heart-felt and honest in their pursuit of all things labeled geeky and i'm one of them.Rick Gualtieri get's it and his portrayal of an unlikely vampire is dead on, (pun intended). Smart and goofy, Bill takes us on his journey through a dangerous world of supernatural killers but stands back with the rest of us as we see hilarious stereotypes, vampire posers and a trashy heroine who treats Bill like crap, leaves him for food then uses him for her own purposes. Tramp with a heart of gold? As characters are so important to me, I focused on all of them and was rewarded with unique and entertaining personalities from the vampire leader, Night Razor to his steriod-raged cronies, I was thoroughly involved and turning pages like the wind.Bill The Vampire contains the mind of a geeky dude, the heart, mostly, of a street-tough vamp chick and the ego of a wannabe Vampire Master. A hilarious string of events when all are combined and an unexpected conclusion that has you cheering and giggling.Book Summary:There are reasons we fear the night.He isn't one of them. Meet Bill Ryder: programmer, gamer geek, and hopeless dweeb when it comes to women. All he ever asked for out of life was to collect his paycheck, hang out with his buds, and eventually (someday) ask out the girl of his dreams.However, then Bill met Sally. She was mysterious, aggressive, and best of all...smoking hot. Bill never stood a chance. Before he knew what was happening Sally had lead him to his death, and that was only the beginning of his troubles. Now Bill awakes to find himself an undead predator of the night. The only problem is he’s still at the bottom of the food chain. He’s in way over his head, surrounded by creatures more dangerous, better looking, and a whole lot cooler than he is. Worst of all is the dreaded Night Razor, a master vampire who just can’t stand him. He gives Bill a 90 day deadline to either prove himself or meet a more permanent kind of death, and the deck is definitely stacked against him.But Bill isn’t exactly average. A vampire like him hasn’t been seen in over five centuries. He's got a few tricks up his sleeve, unlikely allies to help him out, and an attitude problem that makes him just too damn obnoxious to quit. He may just pull it off... if he doesn't get his teeth kicked in first.

  • Steve
    2019-04-09 19:28

    DNF @ 7% with zero stars givenAuthors! Take heed! Non-stop vulgar/crude/offensive language DOES NOT equal humor!

  • Jill
    2019-03-25 16:26

    It was an interesting story and well written, but I had a hard time with wanting to cheer for the protagonist. All the characters seemed to be similar, sure there were minute differences, but all the men were a-holes, the "bad guys" were jock a-holes while the "good guys" were nerd a-holes. All the women were stuck up with superiority complexes and willing to sell out anyone else at the drop of a hat. The good guys spent a lot of time thinking about how they were better than the bad guys, but also spent as much time thinking that the women owed them sex and were bitches if they didn't comply. Every single time one of the good guys talked to the sole main female character, they made a sexual remark. They also managed to fit in a homophobic statement every time they talked to each other, and quite often just in the internal monologue of the main character. The sole main supporting female character was supposed to be over 50 and acted like she was still the 19 year old stripper/sorority girl that she apparently is supposed to look like. The main bad guy was supposed to be over 100 and still acted like modern frat boys and was easily out maneuvered in verbal combat and other things that he should probably have been able to figure out in a century of living. I probably still would have given this another star, but at one point the main bad guy threatens the main female character that if she doesn't shut up, he'll put a compulsion on her to let the main "good" guy do whatever he wanted to her and the good guy wanted it to happen. So then I'm supposed to cheer for a guy that is quite willing to rape a woman as long as she is unable to fight back.

  • Georgeanna
    2019-03-31 18:06

    Live, from New York!!, October 17, 2011By GeorgeannaThis review is from: Bill The Vampire (The Tome of Bill) (Kindle Edition)I pictured Bill to look like Dan Akroyd when he was on Saturday Night Live! and I've got to tell you, it totally worked!! I laughed my butt off at this book. It's a completely different take on a subject that's mostly been populated with angst-ridden, drama queen characters. Bill's a big dork and he has dorky friends. Their quips, put downs, and one liners are perfectly done. They turn out to be 'stand up guys' with good hearts. And brave, too. And don't forget snarky. Like I said, it totally worked for me and I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good laugh.

  • Heather K (dentist in my spare time)
    2019-03-24 23:10

    *3.5 stars*Pure fun.This book is unlike any other that I've read. It is funny if you are into kind of geeky, self-deprecating, sophomoric humor (raises hand). It is a vampire book that mocks vampire books (LOVE) and it takes place practically in my backyard (Bill is from a neighboring town!!). Heavy on substance this is not, but it was a hilarious way to spend my afternoon. The audiobook had a spot-on narration (even if all of the characters sounded the same) and I found myself snorting out loud at times.Will this one linger in my memory for a long time? Maybe not. But if you can get this at a good price, it is totally worth it.

  • D5745
    2019-04-02 16:17

    Couldn't finish this book. The main character is a disgusting jerk.I got to 40% and then I was done.

  • Vetle
    2019-04-02 15:05

    Do you ever get annoyed at a book because the story goes a different way than what you thought it would? Bill The Vampire did this to me, of sorts, and it has left me somewhat uncertain of what to think of it. On one hand, I did enjoy it more than I thought I would, but on the other, I get the feeling it would have been cooler "my way," but I'll get back to that.So, meet Bill Ryder. Bill Ryder is what you think of when you hear the word "Nerd," down to the very details, or at least the unflattering ones. If you've ever played Dungeons And Dragons, you'll probably recognize Bill as the jokester type that has a smart-ass riff on any and every situation you encounter, in fact, he probably has several, and he'll share the lot of them. We all love that guy, don't we? Anyway, the long and short of it is that Bill gets turned into a vampire and sort of by accident gets accepted into a vampire coven, and now he's on the bottom of the pecking order and the alpha-douchebag of the coven has it out for him. All is not lost, however, as it appears that Bill is a "Freewill," which is to say a vampire that cannot be mind-controlled. There are many rumors and myths about what a freewill can and can't do, so Bill ends up playing tough-guy to a commune full of people that could easily rip his spine out. Fun times.I'll be frank, the whole "Freewill" thing had me slapping my head, mostly because it worked against what I got the impression the book would be about. Bill being a Super Special Vampire For Some Reason just strikes me as a really lame way of explaining why he isn't made into a Vampire Smoothie within the first 100 pages, and it also feels like a boring way to make the character stand out. Alternatively it's a sort of wish-fulfillment sort of thing, either way, it doesn't do it for me, and I really would have liked it better if Bill was just an average vampire, perhaps getting by on the fact that he is constantly underestimated. I also wouldn't mind the two exposition faucet-characters, Sally and James/Ozymandias, actually lying to Bill about this whole "Freewill" thing, either to fuck with him or to use him as a convenient and easy disposable "chosen one." Of course (view spoiler)[ I sorta get my will in the end, since Sally plays Bill like a flute when she sets him up as the leader of the coven and slides into the "power behind the throne"-mode with such ease you'd think she'd planned it. (hide spoiler)] There's always that.The books is pretty funny at times, admittedly it seems to rely pretty heavily on the readers being nerds as well, since a lot of the humor is referential. It manages to be somewhat charming, in a way, but some of the biggest jokes fall flat. Like how Bill has this thing where he describes a twist, and then goes "psych, that didn't happen" in the following paragraph. It's mostly annoying because it happens a grand total of twice, which is kind of an awkward number for a joke to appear in a story, since it's a couple of repetitions short of becoming a running thing, and is past the point where it being an one-off is an option. Also, there's a bit where Bill assumes Sally, his de-facto vitriolic guide and probably future love interest, was a stripper before becoming a vampire, and she rebukes him, telling him how hard she worked to gain her PhD, Bill gets all flustered, but it all turns out to be a joke, she totes was a stripper. Oh you. This kinda leads into my next complaint about the book, that Bill is kind of teetering on the edge of being a bad person. I was hoping for the aforementioned joke to not be a joke, or at least be a joke on Bill, but no dice. Bill gets called out for being a maladjusted goon fairly often, primarily by Sally, but it never seems to stick in any meaningful way, it's just Jerks saying Jerk Things. It's sort of that "mask of feigned nonchalance" that David Wong described in the geeky zombie-hunters from This Book Is Full of Spiders, but applied to a whole narrative in such a thick layer that there's no getting past it. Maybe he'll get better in future books, but I wouldn't count on it. Also, his tendency to call Sally a bitch every single time she does anything is also pretty annoying. I'm thinking it's supposed to be turning into a running joke, or at least some sort of affectionate thing, but what I kept thinking alternated between "You know there's this thing called synonyms, right?" and "sexism, lovely." I feel like I'm a little too harsh on the book. Sure, I think the above points are valid, but I did find myself enjoying reading Bill The Vampire despite them, at least to the degree where time sort of flew by when I read, and the last third of the book or so led up to a pretty cool climax all things considered. Granted, it was an enjoyment fraught with minor niggling annoyances, but being annoyed can also be fun. The book does also have some genuinely funny ideas, like how Troy apparently was a vampire city, and the reason Achilles was so badass was because he had so much faith in himself the vamps literally couldn't touch that. Then there's the Optimus Prime doll action figure and how important it ended up being to the plot, that was also worth a chuckle or two. All in all, Bill The Vampire wasn't a bad purchase, but I'm somewhat doubtful if I'll read the next book in the series.

  • Solace Winter
    2019-04-21 22:10

    Think of a mix between MaryJanice Davidson and Christopher Moore. If those two let their vampire novels mate and have a babe it would likely be Bill the Vampire. With Davidson's quick wit and Moore's penchant for hilarity they might create something suitable for everyone; which in and of itself surprised the Hell out of me.Bill the Vampire is the story about what happens when the geek becomes a vampire. Excellent thought process that never stops to take itself too seriously but is never so over-the-top that the story loses a coherent train of thought. No, this book is told with crude humor and a man that thinks... like a man! Vampires can not be in the sunlight but they can eat garlic. This is the way to do vampire novels.Extra points to Gualtieri for not over saturating the novel with references of the much older vampires all having been involved in some major event in history. Where some history of the older vampires is mentioned it does not seem that he will follow convention there and every single one will somehow be from a time and place where they lived through a major event in history. I am looking forward to reading the second novel in this series. Sally might be my favorite woman to love to hate in vampire novel history and Bill, while an annoying nerdy sarcastic jerk, is lovable for being the lesser of all evils. Yes, this is what vampires, and characters, should be made of.

  • Glen
    2019-03-25 18:32

    Even for someone like me who feels obligated to read almost everything vampire-related, this was a "meh" book. It excelled at snark and sarcasm, just as the many reviews claimed. However, I couldn't help noticing that despite the main character making references to all the clichés that weren't being followed, in the end the book just chose slightly different clichés and followed those instead. The main character and his roommates seemed kind of like caricatures of geeks that someone who was never actually a geek but now found them "neat" and "geek-chic" would come up with. For that matter, aside from their specific trademark personality problem, they all seemed like the same guy basically. Don't even get me started on the "stripper with an iron fist but a heart of gold" trope played straight here.I dunno, I mean, it's okay as a story...I wasn't in physical pain reading it. But it definitely could have taken the premise in better directions.

  • Wendy Cantu
    2019-03-28 19:14

    Gaultieri's Tome of Bill series is outrageous, ridiculous, vulgar, and possibly one of the best humorous fiction series I've read in a long time. Or ever. I don't even know if I should put this on my "guilty pleasures" list, because quite frankly these are exceptionally well-written novels and I'm not sure I should feel guilty about liking them.The series centers around Bill Ryder, a nerdy video game programmer, and thanks to him following his pants rather than his head one fateful night, a vampire. His coven is full of vamps that clearly have been turned for their good looks rather than brains (aside from Sally, the vampire who turned him, who actually turns out to be pretty intelligent, street savvy, and wickedly sarcastic). As luck would have it, Bill isn't just another blood sucker. No, he's what the vampires refer to as a "freewill" -- a super vampire -- the likes of which haven't been since in millennia. Of course, with that lofty title comes a catch: a prophecy which has the supernatural world expecting great things from him or, unfortunately for Bill, wanting him dead.The Tome of Bill series is in no way just another vampire book. I mean, come on, it integrates Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) into the plot line. I'm pretty sure that hasn't been done before. The book is full of original content like that -- ideas that I would've never thought of putting together, but Gualtieri does it brilliantly. I found myself laughing my ass off as well as gasping at all the plot twists and turns.But here's a warning: this book is not for "sensitive ears." And by sensitive ears, I mean people aren't comfortable with the heavy use of four-letter words (as well as five-, seven, twelve- and god knows how many other-letter words) -- a few of which I hadn't even heard of. Bill frequently refers to Sally as a "bitch" (when she gets the better of him) and makes jokes about her being a skank, but it's written in a context where it's not seriously commenting on her character. Plus, Sally's a badass and outclasses Bill when it comes to comebacks (and pretty much everything else).If you're looking for an audiobook, I highly recommend this one. I'm not one to usually comment on the quality of the narrator (I've never felt overly positive or negative on any of them I've listened to), but Christopher John Fetherolf does an exceptional job narrating the Tome of Bill series. He's truly the voice of Bill.I think this would make an exceptional HBO or Showtime series (although, fair enough, HBO already has a vampire named Bill on True Blood -- based on the Sookie Stackhouse books). I'd love to see Seth Rogen in the role of Bill.

  • Robin Cole
    2019-04-17 22:07

    i LOVE this series- read them all back to back to back which although i like a good series, i rarely do because you get tired of hearing just one voice in your head, but Bill the Vampire is so awesome! The story is a little non traditional- instead of Bill being one of the beautiful vamps we know and love, he is rather more of a geek, kinda dumpy, utterly average game programmer and wears glasses but has a wicked sense of humor, coated generously with irony and world class timing. He also lives up the the old adage, better to be lucky than smart- and lucky he is with a set of both human and vampire friends at his side, this reads more like a cross between Buffy the Vampire slayer where the Vampire is the good guy with a healthy does of the Scooby Gang thrown in. All for one and one for all behind Bill as he battles his way thru local competitive vamps, the monster world of baddies, the Khan's vampire granddaughter with her unrequited love for Bill and his unusual and still to be explored status as the only "freewill" in over 600 years. And oh yeah, he doesn't like to kill humans- making him oh-so popular in the vampire underworld.Good read all the way around- funny, fast paced, lovable characters and satisfying feature creatures in each book as they progress the overall story line.

  • Travis Mohrman
    2019-04-06 21:13

    This book had shown up in my suggestions for quite some time. I hadn't read a vampire book in awhile and I had the impression that this was a parody book. My impression was completely incorrect.This story is washed in a good amount of humor soap, but it is not a parody by any means. It's about what happens when a nerdy, tubby guy gets turned into a vampire. With the help of a smoking hot older vampire and his two nerdy friends, Bill bungles around as one of the newly undead.The writing was superb, I truly enjoyed it.Then, when I finished it, I saw that volumes 2-4 are already out!! I plan on reading them all back to back.Pick up this book if you like funny stories and/or stories about real people.

  • Cheryl M-M
    2019-03-23 22:25

    In the well written and very honest yet slightly rambunctious intro to this book, the author tells you exactly what this book isn't.It isn't your usual handsome vampire makes all females swoon type of book. Instead the reader gets a glimpse of what happens when a shy awkward geeky guy becomes a so called creature of the night.The humour is quirky and dry, but it didn't run smoothly throughout the book. It was more of an up and down wave of comedic scenes. The witty parts made me chuckle out loud and they made up for the bland less exciting bits in between.I think the author needs to watch out for that balance, lest the non funny become a little too predictable and silly instead of witty like the rest of the storyline.An enjoyable and amusing read.

  • Laura
    2019-04-20 16:33

    This very funny book imagines what it would be like if an ordinary, nerdy guy became a vampire. No sparkles, no extra sex appeal, just a vampire. I loved how his friends continued to have his back and help him out. I enjoyed the snarky tone the narrator (Bill) has. I could totally see this as a movie -- hope someone with those kind of connections can make that happen someday.If you avoided this thinking it's part of the whole hunky vampire thing, not to worry. Bill is an Everyman who makes his transformation to vampire an entertaining one.

  • Pamellia
    2019-04-16 17:12

    I read an interview with the author of the Bill Vampire series where he says he has a lot of fun writing these books. That fun carries over for the reader, too. Just a fun-loving story that had a lot of action and feel good moments. I would consider reading more in this series.

  • Beth Lee
    2019-04-09 18:20

    Fun and funny. A vampire book with a with our main vampire acting as I believe most of us would with a sudden turn in lifestyle change. Fast past and humorous. A good, fun read.

  • Regina De Los Reyes
    2019-04-05 22:22

    The first book in the Tome of Bill series finished. Very unlike other books I've read, written in good fun. Finally a book about the average nerd turned vampire. He is taken in by a coven of above average looking vampires, as the usual character type in vampire stories. A lot of humor and silliness ensues. It sort of reminded me of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo being turned into a vampire. A bit long at times but usually most first books are in a series for a bit of world building. Other than the over-usage of the word Bitch, a pretty fun and enjoyable read

  • Meigan
    2019-04-19 22:10

    "There are reasons we fear the night. He isn't one of them."So begins the tale of Bill the vampire. He is snookered in to attending a party with a hot girl, which should have tipped him off that something wasn't quite right. Bill and attractive women, maybe even women in general, aren't exactly in the same league. Women tend to overlook Bill because of his geeky status, and that for most of the time, he is a bumbling idiot. At said party, Bill is turned into a vampire. Still a geek, still not hot, still "regular Bill". It doesn't help that the coven that turned him is made up of beautiful men and women alike. Bill is "different" in many ways, one important way which forms the path for his vampire journey. The other vamps don't understand him and what he is, which definitely lends a helping hand to his situation. I loved Bill and his friends. Tom is overly found of action figured collectibles, and don't EVER call them dolls. One of the action figures actually turns out to be an unlikely tool that helps defend against vampires. I also really liked Sally, who Bill refers to over (and over...) as Bitch!. She turns out to be kind of OK. She helps him several times, albeit with a bitchy attitude. I will definitely be moving on to the next in the series. I really like how normal Bill is, despite being a vampire. He isn't handsome, he's socially awkward, he's always "cracking wise". He is also obsessed with sex, probably because he doesn't have it. Maybe never has :)

  • Marty Essen
    2019-04-11 23:30

    Bill the Vampire was an impulse purchase. I bought the book because the cover made me smile, and the price was cheaper than a Bloody Mary. How could I go wrong?At first, Bill the Vampire made me chuckle but seemed more suitable for someone in their twenties than for someone like me who is a . . . . no longer in their twenties.A few chapters in, I even considered dumping the book: “Okay,” I thought, “I’ll read until I laugh once more.” That took about a paragraph.Another chapter or so in—and several loud snorts later—I thought, “Why would you want to dump a book that’s so funny? So what if it’s a little immature. Hell, if thousands of women can anonymously read Fifty Shades of Grey on their Kindles, why can’t I anonymously read Bill the Vampire on my Kindle?”Before I knew it, I had finished Bill the Vampire, laughed out-loud who knows how many times, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. And isn’t having a good time with a book the ultimate goal for most readers? Yeah, just look at all those women on airplanes smiling at their Kindles!Now, of course, I’m hooked on the adventures of Bill. I’ve already downloaded the first sequel.Author of Cool Creatures, Hot Planet: Exploring the Seven Continents

  • Robert Kristoffersen
    2019-03-25 18:30

    In a world that is heavily over-saturated with vampire fiction along comes Rick Gualtieri and 'Bill the Vampire' to change the scope of things for the better. From the cover, it's clear that Bill isn't your average vampire, he's just average and then turned into a vampire. In that way he is highly unique; you don't get the usual vampire image of hotter than hell, powerful as shit, or completely intelligent to the way vampires work. Part of the fun is the learning process, in becoming a vampire it's fun to watch Bill experiment with things and go through the learning process. Bill, also, isn't your typical vampire, and one like him hasn't been seen in centuries, making him unique. He has strange and unlikely allies in this world, including his two geeky roommates. Let's just say you've never seen Optimus Prime like this. You'll also never think of Dr. Death Steve Williams the same way ever again. One of the most unique aspects of vampire lore that Gualtieri plays with is on objects harmful to vamps and how faith plays in all of this. In short, this is the most unique and inventive vampire tale in recent memory, it takes stories like 'Twilight' and 'Interview with the Vampire' and says fuck you! and does so with great passion.

  • Impy
    2019-04-03 16:32

    Its not horribly written and it has its moments when its almost funny, but there isn't a redeeming quality in a single character in the whole sorry book. Bill, the geek turned vampire, is one of those insecure fat-shaming, slut-shaming, self-pitying jerks who you know has a Tumblr blog where he rants about how he and his buddies are nice guys who always get friend-zoned by women, women who are all slutty worthless *itches he'd still nail if given half a chance. He also has no qualms about murder, save for it sometimes being icky. And he's probably the nicest character in the book. Ew.

  • Rachel
    2019-04-04 20:09

    Awful. I really wish I could've enjoyed this book, it has so many elements I love - geeks, vampires, an underdog hero but one giant flaw: the way the women are written and written about. It felt borderline violating.Example: one female vampire described early on how a male vampire could control her and the protagonist asks if they male vampire makes her have sex with him - not in a "wow that's scary, the bastards not raping you is he?" kind of way, no, in an excited kind of way, where he talks about his inner pervert and how he mayaswell get the dirt while their talking. She's also just said that the vampire forced her to grind on him in a public place when she didn't want to and it got brushed off with the same ooh how sexy, putting that case of actual sexual assault that has happened to someone I know in the bank.Seriously? This didn't make people uncomfortable? Rape got treated as not a big deal and just super sexy by the protagonist. The vampire woman didn't seem to think it was a big deal either which came across like a lame excuse for why this whole mind control vampire rape thing shouldn't be disconcerting to the reader but frankly it just felt super unrealistic and shoddy.That kind of attitude is pretty much all over the book. The women are constantly overly, needlessly sexualised in a really creepy kind of way and it isn't meant to be a character flaw of the protagonist's or anything. And before you dismiss this as over-sensitivity on my part bear in mind I swing both ways and my favourite series is the Dresden Files so I really don't have a problem with sexualising female characters when it's done right. This book did it so wrong that it made me too uncomfortable to finish and made Bill completely unlikable.

  • Madison Keller
    2019-04-14 16:35

    This is a horror comedy, also known as a Dark Comedy. I bought this book after downloading the sample chapters. I was hooked after Bill yells a Darkwing Duck quote at the vampires while trying to escape.Let me back up. On the way home from a day of shopping for D&D Manuals and gaming figurines, Bill meets knockout Sally on the subway. After a bit of flirting, Sally invites Bill to a party. Bill shows up, only to find the party is really a vampire hazing. They invite a bunch of geeks, turn them into vampires, and then kill them for laughs (ok?…)Well, Bill fights back. An elder vampire guest admires his pluck, and forces Night Razor, the leader of this vamp group, to keep Bill alive. Except, it turns out that Bill is different than most vampires. Where other vampires are forced to listen to their elders, Bill is more of a …free spirit, shall we say.The whole thing is well paced, and several parts are laugh out loud funny. This book is a guilty pleasure for me, however. There are many many sexist jokes, and Bill ends almost every chapter by calling Sally a bitch.Overall, I really enjoyed this book (guiltily, I might add). A lot of the jokes might be over the head of non-geeks, but even so, I think there is still a lot here for everyone.

  • Carly
    2019-03-23 15:14

    This series was recommended to me based on my love for the Dresden Files, by Jim Butcher. While the narration style is very similar, and the characters are relatable to anyone who considers himself a geek/nerd as in the Dresden Files, they lack the one thing I love most about the series which is any redeeming qualities in the main characters whatsoever. Either the author is, or he intentionally made his characters to be misogynistic and with little or no moral compass. Though the premise and plot are entertaining, as a female reader I am loathe to keep reading because I feel so alienated by the way women are spoken of in these books. And while the main character obviously develops some respect for the female character's intelligence, by the fourth book he still has not developed any sense of respect for life forms other than himself or those in his circle, and the female characters role is still viewed as a cunning sex object who has little to no moral compass herself. In other words, I pretty much hate all the characters. There are no roll models in this series whatsoever. For that reason I'm giving the whole thing one star.

  • Jocelyn
    2019-04-03 22:33

    With the world of literary vampires overrun with brooding sexpots, the notion of a geek-turned-vampire is a breath of fresh air. Being quite the nerd myself (and if you know why the number 42 is funny, you might be one, too), I was drawn to this book. And I found myself laughing in spite of myself. The character of Bill manages to be completely obnoxious yet somehow endearing at the same time. The thing that kept this from getting five stars from me is that I did think the sexually-obsessed nerdboy was a bit overplayed, but the book was still good enough to keep me reading the rest of the series.Be warned - the is one raunchy book, and the humor resides at about the level of a 14-year-old boy's. But if you don't mind the gutter, this book is good for a chuckle or two, and maybe even a few outright laughs.

  • Sarah Jamison
    2019-03-31 22:05

    Oh, Bill. You are the best of the vampires. Unless we're counting all the other vampires who know how to be a vampire and they're probably objectively better at vamping than you. But you, Bill, can throw down a Darkwing Duck reference and then kill somebody with an Optimus Prime action figure so, you know, you got that going for you.**Reviewer's note: Bill doesn't have a ton more going for him. It's a super fun story of your run of the mill nerd getting turn into an uber-vamp through no fault of his own. You will LIKE this book. I promise. But you will not be impressed, amazed, flabbergasted, shocked, or any other thing. It's super fun and super predictable in equal parts. Good... same...times.