Now with a twenty-page study guide. Many people have been helped by this valuable book, first published five years ago, which addresses those of us who desperately want to change but can’t stop behaving in ways that hurt us and those we love. The authors assure us that we can change these hurtful patterns. Drs. Stoop and Masteller believe you can move beyond failure to forNow with a twenty-page study guide. Many people have been helped by this valuable book, first published five years ago, which addresses those of us who desperately want to change but can’t stop behaving in ways that hurt us and those we love. The authors assure us that we can change these hurtful patterns. Drs. Stoop and Masteller believe you can move beyond failure to forgiveness, cancelling the indebtedness of those who have hurt you. But before you can begin the process of forgiveness, you need to understand the roots of your pain, through exploring the family patterns that perpetuate dysfunction. When you understand your family of origin, you will be able to take the essential step of forgiveness. ...
|Title||:||Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families|
|Number of Pages||:||370 Pages|
|Status||:||Available For Download|
|Last checked||:||21 Minutes ago!|
Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families Reviews
This was such a great book. It really helped me work through a lot of things and better understand family dynamics. Brought a lot of light to situations I didn't fully understand before. I would definitely recommend this book.
This is a good book. I was ready to read it though. I think that if you're ready to forgive, willing to forgive, then this is a good book to read.
I thought this book was actually very good. It had a lot of information that actually resonated with me quite a bit.Sorry for the jumbled notes, I just write what I feel makes sense at the time.Here are some of my notes on the book:Healthy traits for families - Problems are seen as family problems, not just individual problems.We are all in this together and if you have a problem we have a problem, but it's also the individuals responsibility as well. Must deal with each other straight forward and direct.There is a tolerance of differences and mutual respect.Respect for each generation.Boundaries are maintained.Each learns from the others and encourages feedback.And each person is allowed to experience their own emptiness.People know what is expected of them.There is clear and adjustable leadership depending on the situation. Clear rules, consequences, and exceptions.Reasoning is encouraged.Communication is plentiful, and people know what is expected of them.Relationships can feel disengaged or too much. People often go for opposite sides of the spectrum. Often know less about each other than friends. Often there is a scapegoat. "For the badness in the family" It forces a degree of isolation on us, and makes it hard to gather our surroundings.Needs to be: Sense of individuality with connectedness, enjoy both togetherness and separation.Can share outside experiences with family knowing they will understand.Different types of families, amongst them is the chaotic family, and isolated islands. Each person has a hard time feeling connected and reaching out. They long for emotional closeness but stays inside of them. Acting on them was too frightening a prospect.Put your own mask on first, then help the other person. I'm going to take care of ME first so that I can take care of you too.Forgiveness is the ultimate step in getting over a lot of these feelings.Releasing them from their debt to you. You no longer owe me anything. When you harbor bitterness, it eats away at you. No "ifs" or "untils" in forgiveness. (I decidwe towards releasing you from the debt you owe me)Sometimes the emotions come back but you must work through them a number of times before you can truly be free of the emotions.Steps to forgiveness:1. Recognize the injury to us or by us.2. Identify the emotions involved. Fear? Guilt & Shame? Anger?3. Express your hurt and anger. Talk them out with someone who won't try to problem solve. Can write, no literature, just throw out your feelings onto paper. A letter to them, but dont give it to them. "You gain nothing by getting even if they read it".4. Set boundaries to protect yourself.5. Cancel the debt.6. Consider the possibility of reconciliation. (Not the same as forgiveness, because it requires cooperation on both fronts, so you may not be able to reconcile, but forgiveness can be done alone.)Don't deny your past.Intrusive - guilt trips to get what she wants and makes decisions for us. Leads to a lack of ability to judge for ourselves.Abandoning/Unpredictable - Lack of feeling safe. Attribute it to ourselves, and results in the inability to see good and bad and that they can coexist in the same person, it's ultimately one or the other, no gray. Must see otherwise.Have a tendency to assume parents are always right, so we blame ourselves of shortcomings.Control is important in a dysfunctional family, the only answer to the chaos around them.Accept the reality of wha thappened to us to deal with it. You cannot forgive if you forget and are not aware of what happened. We mourn over who we might have been, over what we didn't get out of the cihldhood, what we didn't get from parents. We may feel cheated, and stripped of self-worth.Feel them, work through them, then move past them. Mourning is therapeutic. Letting go of bitterness so that they who dominated our lives can finally no longer dominate our lives.We can never change what has happened to us in the past. We can change the way we respond to it in the here and now.true forgiveness takes time. You can't short-circuit it. Too quickly without working through what's happened your forgiveness will be incmplete. Anger is a normal human reaction to getting hurt. It can tell us we need to set boundaries.People often don't know what to do with their anger. Write it, share w. a friend, vocalize it to yourself.We choose our RESPONSE, but not our REACTION.Repressed emotions can lead to poor self-image, inability to form or maintain long-term relations, or a tendency to self-pity, hold resentment, and not forgive.Support systems are important. Even if the guilty parties admit their wrongs, often the one wronged does not find peace. The memory does not go away and stays a source of turmoil.Don't play the blame game. "You" vs "I" Statements.Things just don't always end up how we'd hoped. Even w/ or w/ out pointing fingers.The more we blame, the more we walk down teh path of bitterness.Injury and hurt leads to a choice of blaming or continues to blameFrom that: We cancel the debt and forgive, or continue nursing the blame.From that: We lead to freedom and recovery or bitterness.Blaming other people for our problems does not solve them, even if we are right. We are under that person's control because we put our energy into that blame and bitterness. Pain doesn't go away just because we know who, only when we forgive does it go away.Blaming = shifting responsibility.You are not the cause for someone's choices. Release from false blame.Those that hurt you, hurt you, you can't change that. You CAN accept it, and decide how to respond and go on with life.Forgiveness is accepting people for who and what they are, it's love. We must also forgive ourselves. Accept our limitations, failing, and vulnerabilities.And follow the steps to forgiving ourselves as well.
Some useful information, especially the questions at the back of the book, but too religiously inclined for my personal comfort.
Good on forgiveness.
Eh... I'm kind of not feeling this.